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Everything I ever said I wouldn’t do,I was doing.

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  • Everything I ever said I wouldn’t do,I was doing.

    I was raised by my Grandparents in a small town. I had a good life. I really didn’t have to want for nothing. My young mother was in my life but i had a more stable situation with my Grandparents. I met my father at age 7 but around age 10 I was too busy with friends and I have always kept him at a distance.

    I graduated high school but that wasn’t easy. In jr high I started to have issues with authority and looked for attention in school. I smoked pot and drank a handful of times. I was lying about where I was at 15 and going to out of town parties. I wasn’t worried about my future like the other kids pursuing college. I just wanted to have fun. I got out of high school and worried about guys and partying. I was only 18 when I met a 17 year old guy. 2 months later I was pregnant. I was terrified but I had just landed a decent job and I knew I loved this guy who said he would never abandon me. After a few months into my pregnancy he started calling me names and getting mad at me over petty things. When I started showing at 6 months he started calling me fat and spitting in my face when he was upset. The verbal and emotional abuse got so overwhelming. If I mentioned leaving, hoping he would change, he would just throw my belongings all over our yard and I would load up my car.

    He would talk to me on the phone and during the 20 minute drive back to my Grandparents. he would have me convinced to turn my car around and come back. Things were so bad that at times I would pray to miscarry. That memory to this day still breaks my heart. No one understood why I wouldn’t leave. I didn’t have my parents together and I always said my children would have both parents.

    My childhood pain was starting to affect another human being because my daughter was about to be born into this mess. She was 3 months old when he finally put his hands on me. I dealt with it. He would change one day. I was right, he did change. He changed into an even more terrible monster. After all the abuse of all kinds and lying about my bruises and missing work because I was embarrassed I finally left. I felt so guilty. I felt like I just gave up on my so called family and now my daughter wasn’t going to have her parents together.

    I was hanging out with some so called friends and was offered a pain pill. I felt amazing. I didn’t worry about the things going on with the father of my child. I didn’t have a care in the world. I knew this was the answer. I eventually met a new guy. He treated me with respect and was amazing with my daughter. He got a dui and was sentenced to go to a lockdown facility for 2 months. I stood by his side. When he got out he had met a guy in there. We all hung out a lot. We had one thing in common, we loved to get high on pain pills.

    I would take the Vicodin and Percocet. They were starting to do OxyContin and I refused. I knew that people who did OxyContin did Heroin and people who did Heroin touched needles and I would never do any of these things. I don’t know why I gave in to the Oxycontin. I guess because the high seemed the same and I was the only one not doing it. This went on for months. One day, I couldn’t find any Oxycontin. I called the guy we had been hanging out with. I told him not to tell my boyfriend but I needed to get Heroin because I didn’t have anything else.

    He was instantly willing to help me get what I needed. I hated how I felt. I couldn’t quit vomiting. My boyfriend found out I had done Heroin that day and admitted he’d been doing it for quite some time. I decided to try it again. That was the time that I felt even better than the time I took the pain pills. Once we were both using Heroin together we were off to the races.

    It was about 2 weeks later I was shooting Heroin. I didn’t even know anything about withdrawals. I could afford my habit and never had to deal with that. Then I went broke. I went through hell once I had to deal with the withdrawals. My boyfriend was willing to always find ways and means to support our habit.

    We moved to Chicago because we thought a change of location would fix our addiction. I sold my car and took a lot of heroin with me. When I ran out I googled high crime areas and borrowed his mother’s car and headed there. I found what I needed. When I ran out of money I came back to Ohio. He followed me. I was that terrible mom who took my daughter everywhere with me. September 24th 2010 I was found dead in a McDonald’s drive thru with my daughter in the car also. My boyfriend was with me and he was passed out. I went to jail that day when I got released from the hospital.

    I had never been to jail so those 10 days seemed like an eternity. I was finally bonded out by my family. I decided to go to treatment because now I had children services involved. My daughter was my everything and I knew I couldn’t continue on living like this. I broke up with my boyfriend and went to a 90 day inpatient facility. I didn’t want to work on certain topics like my daughter’s father.

    I listened to the other girl’s stories. Most of them had been molested or raped and I didn’t go through that. Most had been turning tricks and I knew that was disgusting and I would never ever sell my body. All these girls lost custody of their children and I knew my situation was temporary and I would never be able to actually allow myself to lose custody of my daughter. These girls stole from their family!

    I wasn’t like any of those girls. How do you go to jail multiple times and how do you just let your life get so messy? I knew at 22 I had control over my addiction, I just got bad heroin. I was introduced to narcotics anonymous and I just thought it was a brain washing group. I got out and 2 months later, dropped my sponsor and I was back to using. I did get my daughter back. I was back with her dad a year later and pregnant with twins. I was in the emergency room every week for ultrasounds to make sure my beatings weren’t hurting my twins.

    I finally left. I got my own apartment. I was clean my whole pregnancy. A month after they were born I was overwhelmed and got ahold of old people. Everything is somewhat of a blur during that time frame. I ended up getting clean again when they were 6 months old for about 6 months. I started using and really just devoting my life to Heroin.

    The home I had created for my children turned into a flop house for all my using friends. A year later I lost my apartment. I was living with my grandparents and desperate for money. I stole from my grandma. This is when my Grandmother knew I was extremely bad off. She pressed charges on me out of desperation to save my life.

    I was in jail for a probation violation when a detective came to me and warned me I would be indicted shortly for stealing from her. He also reminded these charges were pressed out of love and concern, not anger.

    I got out of jail and was to report to probation. I took off. I wasn’t going to jail. My family was already caring for my children from the recent arrest. Not knowing that in 2 months my whole life was going to become the worst time of my life. I started using any man willing to take care of me. Eventually my Heroin dealer started coming to my hotel room and we got close. To the point I moved in with him. He wouldn’t supply me with the amount of Heroin that I wanted. So I was in hotels selling myself to get money to buy more off of him. I missed my kids. I hated being involved with men who would never actually stand a chance with me if they didn’t have money. I hated everything about myself and my life. So the only way I knew to deal with this was to make sure I was always high.

    I couldn’t get high enough. So I just spent all my time trying to get higher. I have never even liked speed but sometimes I would do Coke or Meth just to get a different feeling. I wanted to be in control of my feelings and I wanted to drown them out. I hated feeling. What was good in my life? I was 26 and I was finally those girls I would never be like. Homeless, selling my body, away from my kids, in and out of jail, stealing, lying and on the run from the police. I owned a whole wardrobe of clothes at my Grandparents but I packed around 2 dirty outfits in a bag. I was numb from the drugs and just numb to the mess I was in.

    I woke up on January 10th 2015 getting ready to start making deliveries with my Heroin dealer/boyfriend whatever he was. I remember a time where I had no idea what was going on but all I could hear was “ Brittney…Brittney…Brittney..” I knew I had been in this place before. I had overdosed again. My first thought was “I’m going to jail.” My second thought was “Why does God keep bringing me back? Why won’t he just let me die?”

    Addiction to me was a battle I was never going to win, something I would never overcome. I put a stop to that thought as soon as it ran through my mind. I WAS GOING TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY ADDICTION! I knew I had 3 beautiful children who lit up when they seen me. I was their everything and I needed to step up!

    I knew I was better than what I was doing. Everything I ever said I wouldn’t do I was doing. I was done. I was in jail for 3 months. Towards the end I finally had my mom talking to me again.That was a big deal to me because she was putting faith in a speal that I had given so many times before but this time I was serious.

    I was ordered to get on vivtrol and go to a halfway house. I knew that I wouldn’t have the transportation to the recovery center to get my shot and to do my groups so Vivitrol wasn’t an option for me. So probation said they didn’t want to send me to the halfway house just on GPS and would look into River City or The MonDay program (lock down facilities) instead. I begged my PO to give me a chance.

    I knew I didn’t need Vivitrol. I knew in my heart I was done using and I wanted to prove myself. I came to the halfway house scared. I knew I no longer wanted to get high but what to do now? Recovery is more than just not getting high. I was out of jail for 2 days and my Grandmother passed.

    That was so painful not being able to see her in her last days. Our last conversation I promised her I would get my life on track and I wouldn’t go back to using. I was involved in the groups at the halfway house. They helped me a lot. I was able to spend time with 2 of my children. My aunt wouldn’t allow me to see my son. My days there weren’t always easy. I wanted to leave sometimes. I felt defeated at times. I got close to a few girls.

    They weren’t always doing the right thing and not there for the right reasons and I had to distance myself. I had to remind myself I was there to work on me and not to make friends. The support was great but I knew those girls wouldn’t be a part of my life once we left. I finally looked for employment. That also gave me days where I felt like I would never get it together. I went to a hotel to apply for housekeeping. After looking at my employment history they asked me to work the front desk instead. I worked about 50-60 hours a week.

    Different shifts, different departments and always on call. I so badly wanted to work on housing for myself. I stayed on my GPS monitor for 4 ½ months. My sentence was 90 days at the house but I chose to stay for 5 months. I didn’t want to rush out of there. I was annoyed and uncomfortable a lot but it was all better than my last days out in active addiction. I finally found a house and was given permission from probation to move. Within one day the landlord was being shady so there I was living at my work and feeling like I had failed at something I worked so hard for. I still chose not to give up. I finally found an apartment. It wasn’t where I wanted to be but it was a place to call home. I have continued to work hard.

    I quit the hotel to find a higher paying employer. I have my family back in my life. I regained custody of my children. I have been blessed with a new baby boy. I completed probation. I now have a 4 bedroom home. I have all this because I busted my ass to change my life. 2 ½ years later I have looked back at my accomplishments and I am so proud of myself!

    The best advice I can give to you is to keep your higher power above everything. Second is your recovery. Anything else you put before your recovery will be taken away. I have learned that the hard way. I know that if I can turn my life around then anyone can. While my story seems detailed I could never sum up the hell that I have went through during active addiction. Life still isn’t easy. I’m still not exactly where I want to be but I’m not where I used to be by the grace of God. I do know that no matter what I go through, picking up again will only destroy my life if I am lucky enough not to die.

    I want to live for my children. I still work a 12 step program. Just know there is hope for you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Be proud of the progress you have made this far and don’t give up… it only gets better from here! One day at a time!

  • #2
    Britney,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write out and share your story with us. Your story, I'm sure sounds like a lot of people's - I know I could resonate with a lot of it as well - especially when I was convinced that I would never try or use heroin but that's exactly what I did. I went from Oxycodone to heroin because it was less expensive and produced a more powerful high. I was ashamed of myself but I didn't care because it felt good. Nothing but heroin mattered to me anymore...that and the feeling it produced. After awhile, it wasn't even the feeling anymore...it would just put me to sleep. But it was the process of using it and hoping it would produce that feeling again that kept me using...that and the fear of withdrawal. It's crazy that I was spending so much money just to feel "normal" after awhile. I mean, it didn't even produce an enjoyable feeling....it just produced a regular feeling and stopped me from getting sick.

    Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to share your story, what you've been through and your advice to others. I trust that it will touch people who read it.

    Peace and Love

    William
    Publisher of Kill the Heroin Epidemic Nationwide™, Heroin News and the National Alliance of Addiction Treatment Centers.

    Find a Prescreened Addiction Treatment Center & Drug Rehab Facility

    Visit our Heroin Addiction & Recovery Blog for daily articles.

    I do my best to educate myself regarding addiction and recovery related issue, treatment options, etc. however, I am not a medical professional. All opinions are my own and any advice you take from me is at your own risk and discretion

    Comment


    • #3
      You're welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

      Comment


      • #4
        Of course Britney. It's just amazing what our disease does to us and for all intensive purposes "makes" us do. I mean, I know it doesn't actually force us to do anything and we still have a choice to feed it or starve it, but at times, it certainly doesn't feel like it.

        Peace and Love,

        William
        Publisher of Kill the Heroin Epidemic Nationwide™, Heroin News and the National Alliance of Addiction Treatment Centers.

        Find a Prescreened Addiction Treatment Center & Drug Rehab Facility

        Visit our Heroin Addiction & Recovery Blog for daily articles.

        I do my best to educate myself regarding addiction and recovery related issue, treatment options, etc. however, I am not a medical professional. All opinions are my own and any advice you take from me is at your own risk and discretion

        Comment

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