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My Daughter Had Everything, Found Heroin, And Lost It All

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  • My Daughter Had Everything, Found Heroin, And Lost It All

    My daughter started out taking prescription pain pills and then it progressed to heroin, cocaine and anything she can get and if it can be crushed up and put into a needle then she does it. For years I've been the mom that covered up for her, bailed her out, enabled her, etc. hoping and praying she would stop. She went from having everything to having nothing. She lost her job and became a stripper and prostitute to support her habit. In September of 2017 I received a call from ICU, she had been admitted for low blood pressure, not being able to walk due to pain and trouble breathing, she was septic. When the blood cultures came back she had ORSA. EKG's were abnormal. After running numerous tests we found out the staph had attached itself to the tricuspid valve of her heart, she was going to have to have it replaced and possibly have a pacemaker due to where the staph was on her valve. At the age of 25 my daughter received a new valve and a 4 lead pacemaker.....her heart cannot beat on it's own. All of this from shooting up with dirty needles. The entire time she was in the hospital she denied being an addict and denied even touching it, even when she failed the drug test she denied it. When she was released from the hospital she came to stay with me and her dad and she was clean for the first time in what seemed like forever, but staying at our house came with rules that she just wasn't willing to live by, our rules no stripping, prostitution, drugs. A few days before Thanksgiving she left, in her mind we made her leave because we have rules. She has a little brother and we could not allow her lifestyle in our house around him but she blames us. Even after all this I took her to court for her drug charges, tried to get her to go to rehab which is one of the conditions of her probation but no she won't, she hasn't been to see her probation officer in months, has several warrants in numerous counties. Over the years my heart has become harder, oh I still love my daughter but that's not MY daughter. I'm not so quick with the excuses for her, the dropping what I'm doing to take care of something for her anymore and that has taken me years. Her dad today is where I was a few years ago, making the excuses, etc. The guilt I carry every day is tremendous, I know it's not our fault but I still feel quilty, nothing we have done has made a difference. On the other side of that I'm angry, angry at the drug dealers who are being let go with a slap.on the wrist, angry at the manufacturers of the pills, angry at the justice system, angry at her probation officer who after being told exactly where my daughter was did nothing, angry at the people who know about it and the judgement in their eyes and words, angry that my faith isn't where it used to be because I've prayed and prayed and nothing has happened, angry at myself for all the ways I feel. Every month I always say she won't be alive by the end of the month, I've already planned her funeral and then I think what kind of mother does that? I love her with every fiber of my being and I cant imagine not having her, oh I think I know what it will be like but I won't know until it happens. Her doctors have warned her about continuing to use that it will kill her, her response to that is it's not happened yet so in her mind it won't. I lost her a long time ago, she's still here in the flesh but it's NOT her and all of this because she thought it's just 1 pill and she thought she could handle it....

  • #2
    RKD,

    Welcome to our heroin addiction and recovery discussion and support for him. I really feel for your situation and of course, your daughters to as you said, is no longer your daughter. I mean, technically she is but the reality is, the disease of addiction changes people. People with addiction suffer from physical, chemical and structural changes to the brain that creates a cognitive craving and compulsion that literally makes it feel like they are going to die if they don’t obtain their drug of choice or indulge in their activity of choice. In other words, heroin addiction is similar to welcome to our heroin addiction and recovery discussion and support forum. I really feel for your situation and of course, your daughters to as you said, is no longer your daughter. I mean, technically she is but the reality is, the disease of addiction changes people. People with addiction suffer from physical, chemical and structural changes to the brain that creates a cognitive craving and compulsion that literally makes it feel like they are going to die if they don’t obtain their drug of choice or indulge in there activity of choice. In other words, heroin addiction is similar to a gambling addiction since it changes the brain the same way. Of course, heroin itself changes the brain in addition to the disease so it’s like a double whammy. And because someone who uses heroin on a regular basis also becomes dependent on it, they literally suffer like no other. The dependence is what causes the with drawl when someone quits and because it’s quite horrific, the fear of with drawl in itself is enough to prevent individuals with addiction from getting help and treatment. Couple that with the craving and compulsion that convinces them that they are going to die if they don’t obtain their substance of choice or indulge in there activity of choice, addiction is real terrible disease.
    Publisher of Kill the Heroin Epidemic Nationwide™, Heroin News and the National Alliance of Addiction Treatment Centers.

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    I do my best to educate myself regarding addiction and recovery related issue, treatment options, etc. however, I am not a medical professional. All opinions are my own and any advice you take from me is at your own risk and discretion

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    • #3
      Hello RKD, Im new on the site, I came across your post. I dont have any answers on the subject due to the fact that Im on the site for the same reason you are. The love of my life was taken by the same disease as your daughter. I just want to tell you that the way you feel is exactly how I feel, there is no reason to feel guilty for the way we feel and know that there are others that feel the same way as you do, I get angry, I get sad, I of course I never stop being worried for him or for the moment the bad news will come. My heart and prayers go out to you and if you ever need someone to just vent with, know that I am here. Loving and addict has been the most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone thru and I know how hard it must be for you, especially because its a daughter.

      Stay strong and dont forget to take care of yourself.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi Andrea, Thank You for your kind words. Yes, we are all in the same situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you also and for every one who is affected by this epidemic. It is so comforting to be able to talk to someone who knows what it's like. I'm always here to listen too and you hit the nail on the head it is the most heart wrenching thing. Unfortunately, this roller coaster we are all on isn't fun and more times than not doesn't have a good ending. Take care, God bless!

        Comment


        • #5
          Don't worry about this. The good news you got know about your friends. In you local area there have some good REHAB center from where you can get treatment. Which will help you to recover your friends. All the best!

          Comment

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